If you want to be an effective leader then guess what, you’re going to have to step up and deal with conflict. I don’t say this to be harsh but rather to help you see the reality of today’s business environment. Many people fear or shy away from conflict and this is what ultimately leads to poor workplace performance at the individual, team and/or organizational level.
Conflict is unavoidable because we, and the people we work with, live with and socialize with, all have unique and differing perspectives, beliefs and values; e.g. you may see something as good and someone else may see it as bad – hence a conflict. So instead of shying away from or hoping somebody else steps up to the conflict, embrace it and learn how to make conscious choices that work for you and/or your team.
Four (4) Approaches for Dealing With Conflict Exist (And guess what … you get to make the conscious choice about what will work best for you in any given situation)
- Remain A Victim Too It/Avoid It
- Change It
- Alter Your Perspective of It
- Accept It
Remain a Victim to It/Avoid It
This happens more often than you would think and that’s because most people simply do not know how to handle a challenging or contentious situation.
When people default to or consciously chose this approach, they are unknowingly accepting continual feelings of anger, resentment, loss of control, powerlessness and potentially depression.
Imagine having a direct report who consistently misses deadlines causing the division to miss revenue targets. In applying this approach (consciously or unconsciously) the direct report would continue missing deadlines and you would suffer the consequences. Take a minute and think about this really happening to you; how would you feel, what impact would it have on you, on others around you, on the broader division or organization. I think you can see why this approach is usually a bad one.
Change It
This means intervening to try and move the issue to resolution or at least closer to resolution.
In the above example this could mean having a conversation with the direct report and communicating that missing deadlines is unacceptable and what the consequences will be if he/she misses deadlines going forward. This is a very viable choice and has proven successful across many situations.
Alter Your Perspective of It
This is about looking at the conflict differently. When you look at it differently you change how you experience it. Doing this may involve changing your perspective on the significance of the situation or its outcome, predicting what consequences will most likely occur and the degree of impact they will have, becoming curious about how someone else might view or perceive the conflict or becoming curious and exploring why the conflict may be occurring at all. Creating a different experience for yourself about a conflict can help open your mind to new ideas and new ways of dealing with or resolving the conflict.
Let’s say you were successful in the above “Change It” scenario, meaning the direct report has stopped missing deadlines and revenue targets were achieved. Great right … or is it?? How might this direct report be feeling right now? It’s very possible they are now feeling unmotivated, uninspired and/or under a lot of pressure to deliver. It’s important to note these feelings can, and likely will, lead to future conflict. Now, what if you chose to apply the “Alter Your Perspective of It” approach and sat down with the direct report and curiously asked what’s going on that’s causing him/her to miss deadlines. His/her answer could lead you to a completely different resolution. For example, what if the direct report said one of the following as the reason for missing deadlines: (1) I’m having family issues (2) I’m having issues with a coworker (3) I no longer have any passion for this role. Obviously, you can see how each of these responses would alter your perspective of the situation and the ways you might go about resolving it.
Accept It
This means saying “So what? In the bigger scheme of things does this conflict really matter or have significant consequences?” So often we worry about things that are simply not worth it or that don’t have any significant consequences. What’s really happening in this approach is that YOU are recognizing YOU find some person, place, thing or situation unacceptable to YOU and now in this approach, YOU are choosing to say “It’s ok for that person, place, thing or situation to be exactly the way it is.” Ultimately, you are letting go of the judgment YOU initially placed on the person, place, thing or situation. Typically, when this happens an individual will feel as if a great weight has been lifted off their shoulders and their mind is more free to effectively focus on other things.
Below are some questions to think about as it relates to dealing with conflict. Hopefully reflecting on these questions will empower you to embrace conflict and deal with it head on going forward:
- How aware are you about how you’ve handled conflict in the past?
- What default choices or actions have you made?
- How well have those choices or actions served you?
- How often are you intervening and getting the results you want?
- How often are you discovering your intervention hasn’t really helped resolve the conflict?
- How often has your intervention created a new conflict?
- How and where could you benefit by altering your perspective of conflicts?
- Where might you be worrying, stressing and feeling frustrated where it might be better to just accept the situation and move forward?
- What would it take to accept the situation?
- What judgment would you need to let go of?
- What would you need to be believe or think to enable yourself to accept it?
If you would like help learning how to better embrace and face conflict, please contact me at 847.776.900 or email me at tracy@clearpathcoachingco.com.